“Letting Myself find God” by Idella Walker Speciale

“Letting Myself find God” by Idella Walker Speciale

I remember well the morning of July 31st, 2011. I just got off the phone with one of my mother’s nurses getting a report on how well she did throughout the night. Knowing I had to start getting ready to go visit her in the hospital. I decided to sit in prayer and just be close to Jesus. I knew I would need strength to get me through the day.

I prayed for a long time. Praying so hard until I was just exhausted. When I ended my prayer with Jesus, I rose up my head looking in towards my living room window.

I noticed how the sun, happen to catch my attention with its soft, bright, golden, color. It appeared to look brighter and warmer than most days. Feeling its pull on me, I decided to get up and walk towards the window.

It seemed to be very comforting and warm even powerful. As I sat down on my coffee table, I remember just wanting to feel the closeness with Jesus and his love and warmth. Again, I prayed. Praying with all that I had in me at that moment, for his strength and love to get me through what I needed to.

He heard my prayer. Later that night, while standing beside my mother’s bed. I remember watching her machines work to keep her alive. Hoses and tubes where everywhere. Knowing this is not what my mother would have wanted. I said out loud, “this isn’t fare.”

I walked up to her gently holding her hand. I kissed her head and told her. “Mom, this isn’t fare.”
“You fought the good fight. You have been the best mother, wife, grandmother and great grandmother that anyone could have ever asked for. Your work here is finished. You go rest and be with Jesus.”

“Take Jesus by the hand and you walk towards that big, bright, beautiful light and go through it with him.” “There is only love, peace and warmth there. “You will never have pain or hurt again.” “Your mother, father, sisters and brothers are there waiting to see you and be with you again. You go be with them. We will all be fine here. I promise I will love you forever and never forget you. I will make sure that everyone is ok.” “I’ll be here for them.”

I kissed her on the forehead and took a step back it was the hardest thing to have to endure. I looked up at my mother’s heart monitor and noticed how the numbers of her heart beat started to decline. They went from 65 all the way to 0 in a matter of 5 minutes.

It was at that moment, I knew Jesus had heard and answered my prayer in my time of need. He knew I was going to need more strength than I ever needed before, as my mother and I were very close. I continue to pray for the Lords strength to this day. When I prayed and asked that the Lord give me strength, and help me through the months ahead. My prayers were heard and answered.