The Healing Began on Kalalau Beach
Christmas time for me is a time to celebrate Gods amazing gift to us of the birth of His son Jesus Christ, who died for each and every one of our sins to wash us clean!
I know this personally deep down in my soul as I was caught up in the greedy end of the marketing of Christmas- buy, buy, buy, buy people through gifts; which is a distraction to the true meaning and true gift of what this amazing day is all about.
God sent a man to clean us of all our past and future wrongs! A true loving man of unyielding Faith, who was brutally nailed to a cross for US! Can you even imagine that through the entire ordeal, Jesus still LOVED each and every one of us… and even more, through this, a promise was given to us that any man that proclaims his love for him will be saved.
Now I ask what gift have you ever received that has topped that? The answer is none!
A short version of my rebirth in Christ is below…
After years of struggling through life with many near death experiences, abusing my health, family and friends, I woke up one day when I swam to Kalalau Beach Kauai and that’s where the seed of my faith was planted, as I experienced life with none of the frills we are used to in everyday life i.e.: Cell phones, computers, running water and modern kitchens. I lived with people, sleeping in a cave and eating food we caught ourselves, showered in a waterfall and to my amazement, I was happier than I have over been in my 42 years in this world.
I met a man named Jeff who has lived there for 15 years, who was in incredible shape and I asked him how he stayed so healthy. His answer was “I live in Gods Gym! I climb, kayak, swim and eat healthy food provided by God right here on this island.”
At that point the seed was planted. How could I ever forget those words or that feeling of actually being free from my day to day chains I had actually bound myself with in the material world I had lived my entire life?
I remember when I returned home how at peace I was for a moment in time. Others saw it, some embraced it, some condemned me for the changes I began to make.
You see before I went to that amazingly breathtaking place that I always refer to, “Where God Lives,” my life was in major turmoil by decisions I had made by destroying a good life as we know it.
I began a business in the Nightclub industry and also the glamour modeling world, and boy did I feel like a Rockstar! The business exploded and within a year we had the biggest events in the Pacific Northwest and were talked about worldwide!
As soon as this started to grow bigger and bigger, I met another woman who my wife was friends with, and instantly wanted her for myself. What did I do? I tried to balance love for two women, but at this point the destruction had started with my first wife and I had huge guilt for the lust I was feeling for the other woman.
So it spiraled downward and ended up with me leaving my amazing wife of 15 years, whom we had a beautiful baby girl together, for another woman! Shattering the family we had built and causing pain for all involved.
I married the other woman, which really was an autopilot decision and what I thought I wanted. The truth is I was lying to myself and actually had the opportunity to correct everything when my first wife asked me to come back so we could work on it and start over. Nope…I was too cool for school and allowed my mind to justify my love and my choice.
So here’s how it all worked out… I got married to this other woman and in doing so caused major chaos in my entire family. I mean it shuttered the foundations. First of all, I hurt such an amazing person, Angie, my soulmate and my beautiful daughter, Kaeli, so so much!
I was in an unblessed, false relationship with the “new” woman, that was such a struggle like I have never faced before in my life. It was not fair to anyone involved and basically the life that I knew began to crumble… And ohhhhhh, how it crumbled!
After 1 1/2 years into my 2nd marriage, the marriage collapsed and fell apart. She found another man, which twisted my guts when I found out. The hurt was huge as it was a combination of the pain I caused my first wife and my guilt!
I don’t blame my second wife as this would have never worked… ever, and it was a hard learning experience for all involved, with my only regret is the massive pain I caused so many!
As my marriage, family and life spiraled out of control; I turned to substance abuse, everything from alcohol to various drugs, to numb the pain and try to escape from the reality I was in. For my body frame, I became very overweight and the story of the entire experience from my choices to chase this false “the grass is greener” weighed heavier and heavier on my face and body. I looked sick; in fact, I was sick and hit the lowest point I have ever been in my life.
I was so mad and turned my rage towards others. How could my world tumble and crash so bad? I was so down on life and so pissed at the world… “It’s not Fair!” and “why me?” Boohoo!
I hit the streets because I lost everything and had to couch surf for awhile, still angry and bitter about where I was in life and decisions I had made.
I began to rebuild but I still chose to cling to the “Industry and the limelight” and at that point it all began. Nothing worked, the struggle was hard… I mean things were built, lights were back on me and the “new crew” but that’s where I started to feel a force in my life that caused me to think more, and feel strongly, now more than ever, that my choices were still questionable???
You see nothing fully took hold, so many things were keeping the new endeavors from fully succeeding. I noticed myself becoming more sincere, more loving through these struggles. I started to judge others less and look inward at me, and boy did I look long and hard (to the point of tears) from what I saw of myself.
At that point the new career choice took me on a project to Kauai (mentioned above) what I began to learn was is God has our backs and NEVER EVER stops LOVING US and he was the one to take me there regardless of my work, as that’s how he works. No words can describe how much he does, so all I will say is after numerous trips to Kauai and through some amazing people I have met, I began to heal… still not fully knowing it was God, but man he was working hard on me!
During my last trip to Kauai on a Glamour photo project, my eyes were slammed opened to the false friends, shady industry and the path I was still on. When I returned back from this long week, from one of the most beautiful places on earth, I literally decided first and foremost that I needed to respect the “House” God gave me and to begin strengthening my “Body” through diet and a rigorous workout program. I somehow knew that if I did that it would clean my mind of the darkness that was living there in my head!
During this process, I moved on from the entire industry literally quit it and never looked back, concentrating on my health, fitness, Learning the Word, talking with God and rebuilding my relationship with my daughter…praying to God for her to find forgiveness and give me another chance, as I love her so-so much and missed her with all of my heart!
So, Here I am yelling at the top of my voice how awesome the power of God is as through all of this I’am more alive, healthy, happy, than words can describe!
So far, I have lost 85lbs and my body is strong! My mind is stronger and stronger and the best part… My daughter is back in my life, and with tears in my eyes as I write this, I can say that God loves all of us and no matter what you’re going through he’s there and just breathe and let him in.
It’s not easy sometimes as we don’t understand the trials we go through seem harsh sometimes, but I will say this seemingly “harshness” is sometimes what is needed to shake us to our core and remove the darkness that will do anything and everything to destroy you! We finally come to realize God has been loving us the whole time, and it’s we who have been harsh on ourselves.
I do not regret most of my choices (except the part of causing pain to others), as I would not be here right now in my life without the blessings of the trials in life.
To those that have crossed my path or remain in my life, I say I love you all and Thank You! So for the first time in my life I know and feel the true meaning of Christmas… Selfless Love
Happy Birthday Jesus, and thank you for the ultimate gift any man could give EVER!
Forgiveness and LOVE,
Todd
